Tuesday, May 10, 2011

desmond destruction update, or why i am doomed in real motherhood

desmond's penchant for being unpredictable about when he will go on a damage binge and what he will choose to victimize has become a habit. he'll go for days without an incident, and then we'll come home to something like this:

desmond has finally put that plant out of its misery...

and successfully made a huge mess of our floor and rug

that is the same large plant that lived in the corner of the room and had become an interest of his, seemingly out of nowhere. this was a definite case of third time's a charm. regardless of what anyone thinks, i do still feel bad for the plant. i can't help it.

this time around, desmond not only moved the plant out of the corner and all the way over to the couch, but he also managed to take both the plastic pot out of the clay pot and then the plant out of the plastic pot. lucky for everyone, the clay pot did not break and is all safe & sound.

during this outburst, desmond also got his new monkey involved along with two things you can't see. one is a round, black place mat that we use to protect the console table or dining room dresser from the bottoms of vases, large decorative plates, etc. this place mat is amongst the debris on the floor (near mr. monkey). it was on the console table prior to that, and it now has bite marks on it, so we can only assume desmond moved it there himself.

appease all you want, but it won't bring back mr. plant!

you think you feel bad, skinny butt? how about the plant?? how do you think he feels?

 the other not-pictured item that was messed with is one of our large CD cases. we keep all of our cases (travel cases, not plastic cases for individual CDs) in the TV stand for our own easy access. desmond's, too, i guess. he decided to pull one off the stand with his mouth, via the trusty handle. it seemed otherwise unharmed, but it was definitely on the floor, far enough away from the stand that it could not have been an accident. perhaps he really wanted to hear some britney.

on a separate day, we came home to this lovely renovation, which was actually revealed in a previous post's photos (though i didn't discuss it at all):

who needs curtains, anyway?

the left side was hanging by a thread screw

crumpled on the floor. doesn't desmond know how hard joey worked to make these last year?

what's left of the curtain rod/hanger thing on the right side. for the record, i had never seen curtain hangers like this before moving into the house. not sure if we'll just put up the same ones or finally make the switch to something more rod-like.

the cross bar and left curtain hanging out of the wall. guess we'll have to add those holes to our list of things to patch up, thanks to pranciepants over here.

after both of these discoveries, there was a series of reprimands and angry stares and long silences and ignored whines/whimpers/cries. some whines, whimpers, and cries were suppressed--by me. i truly cannot take it when we need to yell at the dog and try to make him understand that he's done something less than awesome. the whole time it's going on, i feel heartsick and like i'm the one who has done something wrong. the puppy-dog eyes and "guilty" presentation kill me. i realize that these emotions do not make for the world's best dog leader, but i don't see why joey can't be "the bad guy" as long as i don't do anything to contradict him or confuse desmond.

why can't i just quietly stand by my husband when he reprimands the dog and then while we clean the dog's mess. it's not like i'm calling desmond over and telling him it's OK and petting him or anything like that. i absolutely understand why dogs need leadership and structure and rules and consistency. perhaps i will be able to ignore my own feelings about it one day, and then this will be a moot post, but at the moment, i just feel awful and want to get back to snuggling on the couch almost as much as desmond does.

the ears of a dog who wishes you'd stop cleaning up with your angry face on

this is a troublesome situation for me, overall. with each day that passes, we are closer to our eventual human-baby parenthood. newborns, seemingly, have to turn into little people who will need to be yelled at and corrected and punished along the way to becoming big people. this makes me very nervous. i like to think i will run a tight ship, seeing as how i'm very much a fan of rules and structure and planning ahead and thorough research and my purse-sized monthly calendar and respecting your parents, and thinking about consequences of my actions, and all of those kinds of boring things.

not to say that i am no fun whatsoever, but i generally am more interested in being a responsible adult than i am in doing whatever whenever, and this is something my future child will be forced to live with by default--unless it all goes to crap as soon as i see my son or daughter noticeably upset about having upset me or his/her dad. i always say things like, "my kid will be well behaved, because he/she will know better, because i will make them know better." then i have experiences like this with a doga flippin' dog, how am i ever going to stay mad enough at my own child to teach important behavior lessons?

furthermore, whether we are having issues with desmond or not, i still find myself just staring at his cute face way more than is likely normal. often, i am so overcome with love in these moments that i kind of want to burst into tears. what the hell is going to happen to me when i'm staring at a baby--a baby that i created with my husband, a baby that came out of my freaking body? is my heart literally going to break? is my brain going to short circuit and/or explode?

i can't fathom this in any realistic way, but i feel confident that i am going to be a mess of a person. thank goodness my husband is normal! don't get me wrong: he's madly in love with desmond as well and spends much of his time with the dog in a state of permanent cuddle. joey's heart is not impenetrable by desmond's sad face (eerily-similar-to-his-happy-face as it may be), but at least he knows how to act like an in-charge adult when it's time to be bad cop. i just hope that he can keep it up once there's a baby involved, because i'm toast. if he can't, then we'll have a mini-us running the show around here. not good. desmond can be a bit duh sometimes, but he's certainly not stupid, and it won't be long before desmond figures out they should team up and take us both down. 

sun-&-cuddle time with daddy. what lengths will we go to for a non-furry child's outdoor comfort?
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